Storm Born by Richelle Mead

Did you hear that sound? That sound, right there? Okay, well, it's either the sound of my heart forsaking Mead for all eternity, or there's a murderer whose broken into your house and is SNEAKING UP BEHIND YOU!!!!!




Look over your shoulder just to check that I'm wrong. You know you want to do it!

Storm Born, the tragic tale of a woman forced by cruel fate to be hit on by ALL the men. Yes. That's what this story is about. Okay, there are fairies and she has to recover some damsel in distress but basically the novel is about Eugenie's love life.

I suppose my problem with Dark Born is that all of Mead's washed up, tried and not-so-true tropes are here. Again. Strong heroine (who will undoubtedly end the series as a complete moron), sexy hero who heroine loves, though nobody really knows why. Secondary sexy love interest who is way more awesome than sexy hero and who Mead spends far more time fleshing out a real relationship with the heroine, but who is apparently not the heroine's twue loff. For reasons completely unknown. I will inevitably like this love interest far more than the banal and boring love interest Mead champions.

The one thing I'll say about this novel is that Mead writes good sex. That's her one redeeming virtue. She writes gripping, interesting characters, a rich world and stories that hint at great possibilities, but Mead absolutely sucks at the follow through.

The difference with this novel is that I'm not interested in following through to watch her crash and burn yet another series. This novel reminded me of a quote by Dan Hemmens from Ferretbrain.

"Rape is not the occupational hazard of having a vagina."

Thank you.

Now I'll address the fictional critics in my head by saying that yes, Mead gave all these douches a reason to rape the protagonist that wasn't just about sex. But... well, it just doesn't count and I'll explain why.

I don't know about you, but *I* am personally sick of stories that tell me that because I have a vagina, I am a walking talking victim waiting to happen. Because novel after novel tells the same story. No matter how strong, powerful or kickarse you are as a heroine, you are still a victim and will need to be rescued by a man. Possibly several times.

I'm sick to death of it. Barely a page goes by in this book where rape isn't mentioned. Even if it's just to say, 'Eugenie, you're so beautiful I'd rape you and LIKE it!"

This book almost treats rape like a fucking compliment. "I've had five rape attempts today, what about you?" "Oh, I've had three." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Don't worry, maybe tomorrow will pick up!"

I have a problem with drilling into people's heads that women are victims. Always. Vulnerable, precious little petals. Don't let them out of the house or they'll trip over their puritanical vaginas and get raped. Or what about a message just as bad? Almost all men will rape if given the chance. It's the rare few who won't take the opportunity for a good ol' free for all on an unwilling woman.

Now hold on for an even bigger criticism. Of all the worst things, this was the WORST. POSSIBLE. THING!



This book... is like Anita Blake.



It's got multiple love interests, fairies, bargains made, political sex, sexual awakening of formerly prudish, loner character, mystery, evil women bitches out to get you. It's all so very reminiscent.

You know what? Don't read this book. Just go watch Generation 4 My Little Pony instead. I promise there's no rape there and it's about a thousand times better and more entertaining.

And there is no rape.

The Southern Vampire Mysteries

Well, here's this week's video, folks! 

The Goddess Test by Aimee Carter

Two Stars

*This ARC was provided for me by Harlequin and no money was exchanged.*

I requested this galley because, after reading the blurb, I immediately decided that the concept was awesome and that this book would be made of win. I tried to rationalize with myself that it might not be the fantastic story I was imagining, but it still had to be good, right? RIGHT?

Of course the concept of Vampire has already been taken, murdered, chopped into little pieces, jellified and poured into a modern, PC mould of super coolness.


I just didn't realize you could do that to the entire Greek Mythology as well.

And this is where to entire book falls apart. Which is extremely sad because the concept was so awesome. There was potential for REAL characters, great dialogue, witty mythology-based banter, awkward circumstances and believable chemistry.

Mythology: The Greek gods and goddesses, like normal people except with immortality and individual powers. They torment, rape or save mortals and generally act insane before retiring for the evening to get drunk and partake in debauchery.
TGT: The gods and goddesses are no longer blood relatives and they're no longer Greek. They're equal opportunity dieties. They don't stand for any immoral shenanigans and consider human life valid.



Mythology: Hades is a mostly okay god having only raped a few mortals and embroiled in a small case of kidnap which may or may not have given Persephone the world's first case of Stockholm Syndrome. He is the guardian to the Underworld which is a miserable place according to every spirit spoken to, the few retrieved or those couple who've bravely entered alive and lived to tell the tale. DON'T try to mess with or remove spirits from this horrible place. It seriously pisses Hades off though he has been known to return a spirit or two because he's a generally alright God. He's the eldest of his three brothers. He has an awesome helm of invisibility and a few other useful trinkets and also a three-headed dog.
TGT: Hades is a brooding, twenty-two year old (looking) VIRGIN immortal, with a ONE headed dog named Cerebrus and none of the awesome or LACK OF VIRGINITY. His only powers seem to be an incredible ability to angst up a room and all the romantic tact of a wet fish with a bad case of herpes (WHO IS A VIRGIN!) He also follows some preset rules (if gods don't make the rules then who does?) and is generally a pussywhipped virgin!


Oh, how the mighty have fallen...

I could go on, but I think it's enough that the original mythology which was this book's biggest drawcard, has been destroyed and along with it, the possibility of a really great story. Because, after all, you can't proudly base your story so heavily on Greek mythology and then turn it into something so very uncomfortably western and Christian based.

The characters weren't all bad. Kate was extremely exasperating in the beginning of this novel. She, for good reason, believes that Hades has the ability to take life and death right up until she's in his beautiful mansion and has seen all the proof. Then she refuses to believe any of it and insist he's crazy.

The biggest problem is that when you're reading a story about being tested to become a god or goddess, you're kind of expecting the trial to be somewhat hard. You know, stealing the Girdle of Hippolyte or DESTROY A FREAKIN' HYDRA!!! It's immortality, dude. You can't just go giving that shit away.

One day I would like to discuss why a man gets twelve tests that require strength, skill, cunning and intelligence; and a woman gets seven tests requiring morality and humility. There seems to be an underlying message there for those people who want to draw conclusions.

And that's my final problem with this story. It's not that the writing is necessarily bad or that all that characters are bad. Most of them are fine and this book is actually readable. My problem is the massive copouts left, right and centre.

Being coerced into a deal to save your mother's life should involve maybe a few more hardships than getting to wear pretty dresses, living in a rich mansion and falling in love with a super sexy God. Tests for immortality should be a little more difficult than going an afternoon without food and letting your friends have the clothes that you didn't want anyway.

Finally, I felt the entire ending of this story was the biggest copout of all.

It's been a sad trend in YA lit that everything always has to be hunky-dory perfect with a kickass outfit to boot. I was really hoping this book would be something special and unique. The Goddess Test didn't pass its final grade.

The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton

 One Star

 

*Kat looks at The Forgotten Garden*

*Kat looks at the beckoning stack of other books to read*

*Kat looks back at the first 33 pages of The Forgotten Garden*

*Kat groans*

So basically there's this woman. Let's call her Stupidhead because I couldn't care enough to remember her name. She finds out on her 21st birthday party that her loving, adoring family is not her biological family. They found her as a very small child and cared enough to take her in and give her a wonderful home full of people who loved and adored her.

So she breaks up with her perfect fiancee, marries an asshole, has a child, is a terrible mother, distances herself from everyone who ever loved her, screws up her child's life so that her child screws up HER daughters life...

Then I didn't read on. I didn't read on because this book is based on an idiot, and I have a short fuse when it comes to idiots. Let's just say that I don't suffer them lightly.

I'm sure that this book, if I read further, might turn out to be a fantastic and beautifully touching story with a great mystery that it's currently hinting at like a half-dressed male stripper with sad eyes and a g-string whose elastic is so flexible it no longer snaps. However, right now it's just a jumpy, painfully boring mess. I know it's probably realistic, after all there's plenty of idiots in the world. However, since I have so many life sized idiots on-call whenever I need them, I don't feel I have to read a book about them.

Life is too short.

Evermore by Alyson Noel

How To Write Popular YA Paranormal Literature AND Defile Your Spirit!

Based on the popular YA novel, Evermore, and aided by countless more like it, I have compiled an easy to read and follow list of rules for writing a popular series and being able to sell out your soul at the same time. Does that sound too convenient? Well, it's unbelievably easy to do if you follow my quick and easy program!

1. Create an 'Outcast' Heroine.

It's important that your primarily female teenage audience can relate to your main character. So whilst you can't have your main character associate herself with being cool, it still has to be obvious to your audience that she totally is. Now, Meyer's approach of the goose-turned Swan-but was really still a goose, Bella, associated herself as 'different' and a 'loner' only to arrive at her new school and be immediately popular and accepted by almost everyone. Noel's method is different yet in a similar spirit. Her protagonist, Ever, was incredibly popular at her old school and has decided to be an outcast because she feels that she can't be accepted due to her psychic gift. She also has the ability to perceive someone's personality through the colours that define them. So instead of aligning herself with the shallow, mean and popular crowd, she aligns herself with the shallow and mean loners.

It’s very important for your protagonists to be 'different' because today's youth despise the sheep mentality and so they all strive to be unique. Since they're all different in almost the exact same way, it is relatively easy to emulate this, with as little effort put into characterization as possible, in your female protagonist.



As long as she shows no regard for her clothing, appearance or any kind of interest in giving a shit about anyone but herself she will easily pass with young audiences. It will be her ewniqueness that eventually draws the Perfect Hero to her as opposed to any of the usual elements such as: looks, hygiene, personality or determinable interest in the world outside their own arse.

Please also remember that she probably should be a reader, preferably of Wuthering Heights or Romeo and Juliet and that she should consider everyone around her to have inferior intelligence despite the fact that her reading repertoire extends to only a couple of books.

A noticeably absent family is necessary and a completely dead family makes for a better story because then she actually has a perceived reason to be a moody, antisocial, self-absorbed little bitch. Do this even though, in all likelihood, she would be all of the above with a perfectly normal family.

2. Create a perfect hero.

It is VERY important that your hero be perfect in almost every regard. Unlike the female protagonist who can disregard her appearance, he must not only be more attractive than a GQ model without any of the effort put into his appearance, but he must also be thoughtful, intelligent and mysterious.

In no way is he to reflect almost every teenage boy to have ever existed and he must have no desire to find a partner for himself who is in anyway comparable in looks, kindness, intelligence or perfection.



If he is a vampire or some such immortal then he must be ridiculously wealthy. If he is a werewolf then he is allowed to be poor but must make up for it with incredible bedroom skills.

He needn’t have a personality that extends beyond mysterious, sexy and in love with the female protagonist. Naturally, in this respect, Meyers, Mead, Marr and Stiefvater are something like overachievers - but if Noel, Saintcrow, Clare, Kate and Fitzpatrick are any indication, then we need know little more about the hero other than the fact that he’s gorgeous, has a secret and is in love. History, friends, likes, dislikes, family, passions, interests, hobbies and personality flaws are all negligible information that is taking up precious space in your novel. Especially when you could be injecting more drooling from the female protagonist in place of any kind of characterization for your hero.

Your book will sell better if the hero stalks, follows, obsesses over and actively pursues the heroine beyond any realm of believability. You could triple your audience just by having him watch her sleep.

3. Create useless friends.

It’s important to reiterate to the young adult generation that nobody other than the hero is important. Since domestic abuse begins with one partner manoeuvring the other to have limited contact with anyone else, we must strive to normalize this in literature. Thus the female protagonist shouldn’t have anyone close enough to her that she can’t break contact or eventually forget about them. It’s very important that her full focus, socialization and all of her needs are eventually devoted or met by the male protagonist.

To aid this, her friends must be selfish, vain, crazy, slutty, uncaring or in other ways undeserving of the heroine’s attentions and affections. It’s very important that she never call them on their poor, damaging and graceless friendship but must lovingly worry about them for the minimal amount of time acceptable to the reader before once again completely focusing on the mysterious hero.

4. Mix in a twisted, convoluted plot designed entirely to provide dramatic and sexy subplot.

It’s important that the plot, no matter how unlikely, must revolve around the hero saving the heroine. The villains do not necessarily need to have realistic or conceivable motivations for their actions. As long as the hero gets to save the day at least three or four times then your book will be profitable!

Please remember that the actual plot of your story needn’t truly begin until at least 350 pages into your story. The longer you can stall any interesting event occuring, the less thinking you will actually need to do.

Plus - FOR FREE - extras to help 'improve' your novel, the bottom line of your sales, and the expedient destruction of your soul.

-How to create a senseless mythology.

Mythology is more of a concept rather than something that needs to be respected or honoured. Vampires don’t need to refrain from daylight and angels no longer need to “fall” for good they can now be redeemed like us! The good news is that creating your own mythology, disregarding anything written before, allows you to twist and bastardize the plot beyond any recognizably interesting concept!

-Explanations as to why research could actually DAMAGE your profit!

Research takes time, energy and intelligence. Why do it? You’ve got ten fingers (presumably) and an attention span that extends past anything that could be compared to a gnat (even if it is only barely). Simply make it up as you go! For example: Ever is psychic. Research may tell us that this has something to do with receiving visions of the future or possibly commnicating with ghosts. Yet research is boring. Instead, she is imbued with the following powers that we guess can kind of be put under a psychic umbrella if we force enough information and logic out of our brains first: Mind reading, visions of near-present and future, personal life knowledge of any person she physically touches, seeing ghosts, seeing auras, literary osmosis from touching any written object, drawing the answers from any written question placed before her and any other supernatural abilities that seem convenient at the time.

-Detailed observations on why the Deus Ex Machina rocks.

Tying together a plot, even if you work to keep it as non-complicated or infantile as possible, is hard! It’s much easier to ignore tying together a number of plot points in any believable fashion and instead rely on some Deus Ex Machina to come in and take care of thoughtful planning for you!

-How to expand one, nonsensical idea into a series and why this is more profitable than originality!

Last, but not least! Ensure that your story is somewhat open ended so that you can create a series out of it! Research shows that people, even if they are intelligent enough to see that you’re writing is becoming progressively shittier and nonsensical, will often still purchase books in the series in order to find out what happens. So rather than creating a new story with new characters, simply beat the same old horse (it needn’t really be a horse – simply a pile of shit that’s been forced into a horse-like shape) for at least three or more books in order to squeeze every last cent out of the franchise that you can!

Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

I started reading this book and a curious thing happened. Suddenly my house was sparkling clean, my bills were filed away, I started playing Farm Story and reached level 13 in one day, I did my tax, I spent two hours chatting to the chatbott, Jabberwocky...

Anything, and I mean ANYTHING to avoid the boredom of reading Shiver. Shiver, the story of a girl drastically into beastiality, only to find out her wolf lover was really a boy. As I read this book I had the strange urge to lock up my German sheppard should Grace ever decide to visit my home because she really does fall in love with a dog... for YEARS before she ever finds out it's a boy or that things like werewolves exist. It's quite disturbing.

I get the whole eternal love thing, maybe I'm just weird, but I've never looked at Fido and found a kindred spirit. I never passed the dog down the street and found that I couldn't be attracted to men because they just weren't going to cut it for me.

So, other than the fact that this book disturbed the fucking hell out of me, bored me to death and dragged on like a visit to the old folk's home, it was also poorly edited. The writing wasn't TOO bad. Some of the poems were down right rubbish, and some of the others were alright.

Grace and Sam's voices were near identical. Oh, and another thing, Sam was annoyingly chaste for way too long. Where were all of these careful, thoughtful boys when I was in high school? It's a disturbing trend, really. Edward Cullen, Sam Roth, Daniel Gregori... they all came pre-pussy whipped and I'm kind of wondering what the attraction is.

Maybe I'm just a sucker for bad boys. Maybe I like boys that I COULDN'T imagine comfortably playing bridge with my 80 year old grandma (not to mention enjoying it!) What is with the sudden need to keep us women in line? If I read one more paranormal, male hunk refuse the supposed love of his life, who is literally flinging her naked body onto him, then I think I'm going to start a convention... a Ball Replacement Convention.

C'mon, Stiefvater! Give the boy his balls back, please! He complained that a jacket made him look bulky! What next? Chipped nail, PMS cramps? Is he going to stamp his foot and mutter, "Drat! I can't believe Jennifer is wearing the same dress as me! I think I might just die!"

Look, I know I'm being incredibly sexist. After all, it was kind of nice to read about a "stoic" female character and an emotional, gentle male character. But it wasn't male emotion. It felt so damn female. I've had my husband be emotional with me. I've had a lot of men be emotional with me. I'm a real bitch, it's bound to happen on occasion. It's DIFFERENT. Their brains are different! They often have a great deal of difficulty vocalizing during strong emotion (yes, Psych 101 and about 6 months of therapy talking) they're not women with man parts. They actually are physiologically different.

So all in all, I can't muster the energy to rant about this book. It was REALLY boring. It was average on the writing scale. It's secondary characterization was pretty good but the main characters didn't do it for me. The plot was SLOW.

Her parents were stupid. I could complain that they were unrealistic - but I've met some fucked up parents over my life, so I'll buy that they really could be that moronic. What I will complain about is where they get this amazing and varied social life in a small town. It never explains why Sam's fate is mysteriously different to Jack's. Maybe I'm just stupid... No. I don't buy that. Was it because he was out in the freezing cold so it kept his temperature reasonable? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose of giving him a crazy-ass fever? Was it actually because he processed it as a wolf? Well that doesn't make sense because Grace never changed.

And what's with the dramatic ending? Really? He gets cured and goes home and gets dressed and reads a few books, checks his mail, gives himself a mani and a pedi, goes on a diet, waits for his skin to clear up, buys the perfect set of shoes and THEN tracks down the love of his life who he thought he'd never see again? I DON'T FUCKING THINK SO! How about stumbling through the forest naked and desperately arriving in Grace's backyard because he can't believe the complete miracle of his cure and can't wait to have the love of his life back in his arms? Yeah, that ending makes so much more sense.

I don't get why this is popular. But then, I don't get why Fallen is popular either. It's just all beyond me. Now I'm off to see if I can cram the word "balls" into this review anymore.

Balls, balls, balls. Oh my goodness she fell in love with a dog! Balls.














Balls.